If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
