So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Everything about him screamed your future.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
