rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize