I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
