I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
