so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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