I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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