We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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