I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
