I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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