She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
