bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
