first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
