Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
