at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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