party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
