Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
