Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize