Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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