did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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