mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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