there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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