I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
