just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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