What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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