I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
