the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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