a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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