Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You're a waste of cheezeits
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
