The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
