Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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