I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
