Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
