I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
