I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm both gender and math confused
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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