My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
