Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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