bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
