I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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