Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
