Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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