my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
