watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
