guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
