lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
