i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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