I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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