I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
