I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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