You made me cry and you don't even care
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
