Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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