her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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