Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Jerry, you need to find god
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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