I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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