Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
