I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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