I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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