My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
