he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
