the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize