oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
