I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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